Damn, I'm at school at the asscrack of dawn. Tension is high right now as the semester is winding down and EVERYONE is trying to output their shit to video. I was just on the machine when my stuff messed up, and behind me are people "harumph-ing" and groaning. HAh, like I give shit...damn, people need to chillllLLLLLlll. I just wanted to turn around and say, "dayamn, I don't give a rats ass...you can sigh till you hyperventilate." Anywayz, I'm late to my 8:30am class=) I don't think my instructor will mind too much...I'm late cuz I'm here resequencing my targa files and I'm burning a CD of my animation for my instructor. I think I'm getting sorta sick...I'm on the very cusp...where you feel that scratchy feeling in your throat but it hasn't quite "blossomed" into a sore throat. Bah...I'm gonna go to Lee's Deli on my way to class and pick up a salad, sammich, and soup...damn people put me in a crappy mood. I need to sooth the soul with some food and relaxing drawing.
I just reread that I don't think it'll make much sense...but *eh*
12/20/2001 09:07:28 AM
Monday, December 17, 2001
I got out of the computer lab as it closed at 2am tonite...we all filed out of the building and scattered on our own ways home. I walked along Montgomery. The slick street reflected the pale yellow light from the lamposts, and there was a cold dampness in the air. I walked briskly toward Market with thoughts of finals swimming through my head. The last N train had long since gone and only the Owl N bus was running. Anyone who has ever waited for one of these knows that they only come every 30-45 minutes, and as I walked up to the stop I saw the back of the N bus steaming away. Leaning back on one of the metal bus stop posts with one hand in my pocket and one holding my CD player, I proceeded to wait. The streets seemed grittier than they do in the day time. Occassional cars and Explorers drove by with loud rap music playing. Other cars drove by, providing only a glimpse at the driver...my mind wandered, wondering what sinister activities they were up to. I watched a security guard in the big building on the other side of the street walk around inside. A woman, dutifully attending to her job. Some people have it rough. I can't imagine having a nightly grind like that without the hope of getting out. I could only see myself in that kind of job if it were some kind of stepping stone to something better. An old beat up volkswagon filled with bundles of papers sputtered up and stopped outside the same building. A man, 45ish, with unruly hair and a big puffy winter coat on, got out and opened the trunk. He pulled out a bundle, walked up to the building and tossed it at the doorsteps like he had done it everyday before...which he probably had. I wondered if he slept early and woke up at 2am, or if he just stayed up late and slept in. I saw a figure half hopping, half dodging, from trashbin to trashbin. A chinese man, long hair with a touch of gray...thin features but a short frame. He had a shiny, what seemed like faux leather jacket on and black jeans. From where he was across the street, I could almost mistake him for a short woman. It was only when he began to cross the street toward my direction at the bus stop that I saw that his jeans were ragged, and the gray in his hair seemed more a product of hardship than old age. At first I thought he was going to come over and ask for money. I made eye contact with him as he walked toward my direction. He turned away and it was clear that he may simply be waiting for the bus as well. He rummaged in the nearby trashbin and wandered around the immediate area. It was about this time that a short, older chinese woman walked up to the bus stop and proceeded to wait. She had a light turquoise jacket on and patterened cloth pants, a bob cut and sandles on. I looked the other way as I listened to my tunes and watched for the bus. There was dialogue between the woman and the man...nothing I could make out. I didn't bother to turn around. Every few seconds I heard it, until the pace seemed hostile. I pressed pause on my CD player and listened. Apparently the woman had given the man a "look". Its true, old asian people have the tendancy to be hyperjudgemental, so this didn't surprise me. He kept saying, "What are you looking at? You don't know me...you don't know me!" His voice was hoarse and airy as he wheezed out the words. "Don't fucking look at me! You don't know me...Your money's no good!" She just looked at him...she faced the other way, but I could imagine the face she was making...sour...disgusted. Finally, in her biting, accented English, she said, "don't talk to me...the police around here." He just kept on, getting more worked up as he spit out whatever mean things he could say to her. As he continued, I began to hear him almost sobbing the words out. "You don't know me...who are you to look at me!" I kept looking straight ahead, loudly chewing my gum, looking completely oblivious. Inside though, I began to really sympathize with him. He wasn't just mad at her....he was ashamed. Ashamed of what he had become...angry at being judged...and I'm sure she wasn't the first asian person to give him a "look". The look of "geez...you make us look bad. You're the lowest common denomenator."
The bus finally showed up and the chinese man and myself boarded. I took a seat facing sideways, half looking at my own reflection and half looking beyond, onto the cold empty streets. The man sat near the back of the bus. Several stops later, another homeless man boarded and sat near the front...he turned around as if recognizing someone. The chinese man said, "Hey Ray, how are ya doin'?" He had a crooked, warm smile on his face as he made his way to the front to sit next to his friend. Seeming glad to be among friends again, they chatted together...
Its been awhile since I've sympathized with someone on that level. It also made me realize that luck does play a big factor in life. Where we start out, how we're encouraged or discouraged, what we are told our potential is...these things effect heavily when someone is young.
I realize I am a lucky goober.
12/17/2001 04:40:53 AM
